4 Truths about Gaslighting in Relationships

Ben and Tammy have been dating for two years. Ben is constantly telling Tammy that he is the best she can do and that she is blessed to have him. Ben tells her that a lot of guys would not put up with her hyper-sensitivity and high-maintenance personality. Tammy is constantly saying “I am so sorry” for having her own opinion.

She rarely gets to voice her thoughts and convictions and he pushes her to apologize for things that are completely out of her control; like not getting the movie theater seats he wants or because his steak is undercooked at a restaurant.

Becky is a forty-something mother of three teenagers. She is constantly asking her children if she is a good mother and becomes angry if they are not consistently complimenting her and telling her that she is the best mother and friend on the planet.

She repeatedly tells her children they are selfish if they have not done all of the cleaning and cooking by the time she arrives home from work. Becky often uses various forms of manipulation on her children – if they want to go to a friend’s house, she quickly turns it into, “Why don’t you want to spend time with your mother?”

Stacy and Ned have been engaged for three years, but Ned has never connected with Stacy’s friends. He is constantly saying that her friends are taking advantage of her and do not really like her when they are showing no signs of said behavior.

Ned is regularly making accusations that her friends are just using her because her family has money, or because her family owns the local coffee shop where they like to get coffee together regularly.

Willa is a seven-year-old girl whose mom is constantly telling her that she is a bad child. Her mother says she is bad when her clothes are not laid out the night before school, when she does not eat all of her peas, or when she leaves a dirty dish in the sink.

Gaslighting in relationships is a form of emotional abuse – it can be intentional or unintentional. It uses manipulation and often pushes one person’s insecurities onto another person, causing them to go above and beyond in the relationship and are still not able to please the manipulator/abuser.

Signs of Gaslighting in Relationships

According to Robin Stern, Ph.D., the signs of being a victim of gaslighting in relationships include:

• You constantly second-guess yourself.
• You ask yourself, “Am I too sensitive?” multiple times a day.
• You often feel confused and even crazy.
• You’re always apologizing to your partner.
• You can’t understand why, with so many good things in your life, you aren’t happier.
• You frequently make excuses for your partner’s behavior to friends and family.
• You find yourself withholding information from friends and family, so you don’t have to explain or make excuses.
• You know something is wrong, but you can never quite express what it is, even to yourself.
• You start lying to avoid the put-downs and reality twists.
• You have trouble making simple decisions.
• You have the sense that you used to be a different person – more confident, more fun-loving, more relaxed.
• You feel hopeless and joyless.
• You feel as though you can’t do anything right.
• You wonder if you are a “good enough” partner.

“Emotional abuse can leave a victim feeling like a shell of a person, separated from the true essence of who they naturally are. It also leads to a victim feeling tormented and tortured by their own emotions.” ― Lorraine Nilon

Here are some things that might be said in relationships where gaslighting is present:

• “If you loved me, you would…”
• “You are overly sensitive about everything”
• “No one else would put up with you the way I do”
• “You always feel so sorry for yourself”

To tell a child they are bad because of something insignificant, to manipulate someone to get something, or attempt to get rid of other relationships happens all too often. Sometimes the manipulator does it without realization, and often, the victim pushes shame onto themselves when it is not their fault. You cannot control someone else’s happiness.

Gaslighting can happen in any relationship, whether it is romantic, biological, a working relationship, or a close friend. Sometimes the manipulator was raised in a gaslighting relationship and does not realize their manipulative ways. That is why it is so important to be aware of the warning signs and take steps toward being emotionally healthy in every sense.

4 Truths about Gaslighting in Relationships

Here are some things to consider about gaslighting in relationships:

1. Gaslighting relationships play on your insecurities.

Just as a predator preys on the weakness of its victim, the same is true in gaslighting relationships. Too often, the manipulator preys on the things that you are insecure about, so you feel less confident in standing up to them and being confident in what you believe. For example, if you have always struggled with finding authentic friendships, they may constantly attack your friends and tell you that they are fake or using you to gain something.

This way, you question your other relationships, and it makes it easier to cling to unhealthy relationships. Gaslighting relationships might tell you to question the things that you were once confident in – your talents/passions, friendships, morals, faith, and hope for the future.

2. Gaslighting relationships manipulate your trusted relationships.

In a manipulative relationship, the attacker wants you to be confident in them and only them. They will slowly try to manipulate you into believing that the people you love and trust the most do not have your best interest in mind. They might accuse your family of not being there for you enough or try to isolate you from your friends and family. Manipulators might lie about something a family member has said or lie to your family about your intentions.

It is important to be aware of these warning signs because it often escalates into distancing you from the people that you trust the most. Be authentic in your relationships. Talk to a trusted friend if you see the warning signs of a gaslighting relationship. Talk to the source rather than hearsay when it comes to hearing things that might sound twisted or misunderstood.

3. Gaslighting relationships always say it is someone else’s fault.

People who manipulate might do so without realization. It does not mean there is an overabundance of hate in their heart; however, it might mean there are a lot of scars and hurt under the surface. Perhaps they have never experienced an authentic, loving relationship with their close family and friends.

It is important to be wary of a relationship where they always blame someone else for things that go wrong in their life. For example, they might say that they have less than $20 in the bank as a thirty-something because their parents never sat down and taught them how to save as a teenager.

They might say that they have credit card debt because their roommate broke their television and they had to buy a new one. At some point, you must realize that all of life’s problems cannot be blamed on someone else.

For someone in a gaslighting relationship, they may slowly blame all their problems on you when things are completely out of your control. For instance, if you go on a date with someone to a restaurant of your choice and their steak is undercooked, they might try to blame you because the restaurant was your choice.

It is important to realize that healthy relationships are not focused on pointing a finger at someone else. It is no longer just “I” and “ME”, but “US” and “WE.” Authentic relationships thrive when they are not self-seeking or self-involved but mesh your lives together.

4. Gaslighting relationships slowly remove a sense of who you are and what you love.

Your convictions, your reality, and how you spend your free time are often manipulated in unhealthy relationships. Tracy A. Malone said, “Gaslighting is mind control to make victims doubt their reality.”

If you are a songwriter who tries to spend some of your free time creating, someone in a gaslighting relationship might take your hobbies and turn it into, “Well, if you loved me, you would spend time with me instead of creating music.” While you should spend quality time together in healthy relationships, it is important that you also encourage the other person to pursue their God-given passions and talents.

Christian Counseling for Relationship Issues

Be wary of manipulative behaviors and schedule a counseling session today!

It is important to be aware of these manipulative behaviors – if it is a new relationship, be wary of progressing with the manipulator. If you are someone who tends to use manipulation because it is how you were raised, there is hope and help to establish healthy emotional connections.

Manipulation is not the foundation of what you want in any relationship – it is more like quicksand and makes it difficult for relationships to withstand the turbulence of life that might come your way.

If someone makes you question your reality, convictions, or pushes for their happiness to become your overwhelming priority, then it might be time to seek professional help. If you think you are involved in a gaslighting relationship, seek the counsel of a trusted friend, and schedule your counseling session with us today.