Common Obstacles in Christian Marriage Counseling and How to Overcome Them

Marriage is for life. Walking back up the aisle after saying your vows, you were (hopefully!) filled with excitement for your future and the lifelong commitment you just made. Then years start to pass. Life hits you with all its twists and turns. And your married life inevitably goes through ups and downs. Marriage isn’t always smooth sailing, and that’s okay, but it’s important to know when it’s time to get help. Maybe you just want to do a “tune-up,” a check-in Christian marriage counseling appointment with a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) to protect and improve your relationship.

Maybe it’s time to talk to someone about how you can improve your communication and connection with each other. Or maybe there are serious problems or concerns in your marriage, and you’re feeling hopeless, desperate, or discouraged.

No matter where you are in your marriage, Christian marriage counseling is a viable option. You don’t have to be broken, but you can bring your brokenness. It’s important to find a counselor who is right for you and your spouse. Browse our online counselor directory to see profiles of Christian counselors today.

Obstacles to Christian Marriage Counseling

Going to Christian marriage counseling can be a big step. It can be a little intimidating (or maybe a lot). What are some reasons you might be hesitant to take that first step to get help?

You’re afraid your marriage problems aren’t big enough.

So, you feel disconnected. You bicker. Your spouse seems to shut down or be annoyed by you a lot of the time. You’re busy, you feel ignored, or you just don’t feel that sense of passion anymore. So many couples go through these phases and have a silent mental struggle. Since you made a lifelong commitment, shouldn’t you expect these things?

Yes and no. All of these issues are “normal” in the sense that almost all married couples experience them at one time or another, but not all issues automatically work themselves out. Sometimes, counseling can stop bad relational habits in their tracks before they become decades-long patterns.

Your marriage can flourish again. You don’t have to settle for constant low-level discouragement, and marriage advice can help you no matter if you have major concerns such as infidelity or financial betrayal, or lesser concerns like the ones discussed above. There’s no shame in getting help either way.

You feel like marriage counseling has a stigma attached to it.

Nowadays, thankfully, therapy and mental health are much more widely accepted topics for discussion than they were in the past. Yet with marriage counseling, in particular, you might feel like going means admitting that you’re struggling. Or maybe just going to marriage counseling means your marriage is in hot water.

Neither of these has to influence the benefits of talking to a Christian counselor who is compassionate and kind and can provide a safe and confidential setting for you to improve your relationship with your spouse.

Having a healthy married life is one of the best things you can do for your well-being, and that of your children if you are a parent. Good marriages have ripple effects on families, social circles, churches, and the generations after you.

Setting aside time and money to focus on your relationship will ensure that you don’t neglect the real issues or sweep them under the rug. It means you dare to deal with reality and seek marriage help. That courage should be respected, not stigmatized.

Your spouse isn’t comfortable with counseling.

This is a legitimate concern. Christian marriage counseling will only work if both spouses are willing to participate in both the marriage and the counseling process. If your spouse isn’t comfortable with marriage counseling, then it’s not a path to pursue right now, but individual counseling can still help you. You can meet with a qualified counselor and discuss relationship issues, as well as anything from your life and past that might be affecting you now.

There’s abuse or addiction.

Active addiction, such as an unaddressed alcohol problem, must be addressed by the individual spouse before marriage counseling will be effective. Individual counseling can be helpful for both spouses in a case like this. Marriage counseling can be extremely helpful once the addiction is dealt with.

If there has been abuse in the relationship, whether physical, verbal, or emotional, the safety of the abuse target is the number one priority, and couples’ counseling is not recommended. In such cases, individual counseling can help with creating a safety plan and healing from abuse.

There’s infidelity and you’re afraid you can’t overcome it.

If your marriage has experienced infidelity and you’re questioning whether you want to stay in the relationship, you can choose to seek individual counseling, but there’s also nothing wrong with going to marriage counseling.

Even if you’re not sure the marriage is salvageable, marriage counseling can help walk you through the process of making that decision. You might feel more at peace with your decision as you talk through and process your pain in a safe setting.

How can Christian marriage counseling help?

Mediation for marriage problems

Have you fallen into ruts with your communication? Do you feel like you can’t get through to each other? Sometimes we skirt around tough topics because finding the time and energy to address them seems impossible.

Marriage counseling might seem like a high-stakes environment, but it’s meant to be a setting where you can feel comfortable. It won’t always be easy, but it’s a place to experience healing – to breathe, pause, and say how you feel, with a third party there to help you walk through the conversation.

Bonding with your spouse

Marriage counseling also can be an unexpectedly bonding experience. You’re not fighting for your marriage alone. You’re both there because, at some level, you want things to work out. For marriage counseling to succeed, you don’t have to be perfect.

All you need is for both spouses to:

• want the marriage to succeed,
• be willing to try to learn and grow,
• and be willing to identify and change negative behaviors – even in small ways.

If both people have already agreed to marriage counseling, this is a hopeful step in the right direction. God created marriage and he desires for your marriage to glorify him. Investing time in your marriage is worth it.
Protecting your relationship

The counselors at Laguna Christian Counseling use insight-oriented marital therapy, which has a high success rate at preventing divorce.

Christian marriage counseling can help you:

• Identify and process issues from your childhoods and families of origin, so you can understand how they affect you today.
• Identify your attachment styles and how they influence communication and conflict in your relationship.
• Gain tools and experience in healthier and more effective communication.
• Learn and practice healthy conflict resolution.
• Work through difficult issues in your marriage.
• Understand and appreciate each other more deeply.
• Set short and long-term goals together.
• Build trust and intimacy in your relationship.
• Discuss issues of faith and find ways to connect, even if you have different beliefs.

We often find that marriage counseling has surprisingly healthy “side effects” as well, including personal growth for each spouse, and a sense of relief from the pressures of daily life on your relationship.

Problems and Solutions in Marriage

Do you have an unhappy marriage? If so, don’t think that you have to resign yourself to a life of misery. Studies show that couples counseling increases marital satisfaction. It is possible to find happiness, resolve issues, or at least have the peace of knowing that you did what you could to find a solution through seeking marriage help.

Communication issues in marriage

Communication patterns can easily become entrenched, whether they’re healthy or unhealthy. Solving communication problems is not about finding the perfect techniques to fix your communication, but about strengthening your connection so that you’re motivated to communicate well. (Psychology Today)

In marriage counseling, you can uncover the reasons for disconnection, triggers that cause emotional reactivity, and any bad habits that have resulted. In the Gottman Method, the “four horsemen of the apocalypse” that best predict divorce are founded entirely in communication: defensiveness, stonewalling, contempt, criticism.

Why? These behaviors indicate deeply embedded, problematic attitudes. These attitudes and beliefs won’t be changed simply by learning different techniques of talking. Sometimes, learning to understand how your language can trigger your spouse is all it takes to improve communication. In other cases, significant work needs to be done to change how one or both spouses view each other and relate to each other.

Trust issues in marriage

Once trust has been broken, it’s exceedingly difficult to restore. Though the Bible is replete with calls for us to forgive others, forgiveness can be difficult to achieve, and trust is not a guarantee. Trust issues can also stem from sources outside the marriage – a prior relationship, childhood abandonment, personal insecurities, etc.

A healthy marriage requires trust, and marriage counseling is one of the best places to process the fears related to lack of trust and overcome the hindrances to building trust. Therapy can also help uncover related issues like trauma, grief, and anxiety.

Rebuilding trust is a process, one that can’t be accomplished overnight. When you meet with your Christian counselor at Laguna Christian Counseling, you can discuss your goals for rebuilding trust in your marriage.

Faith issues in marriage

Differences of faith between spouses can occur even when both are Christians; there might be theological, lifestyle, and other differences, like wanting to attend different churches, or how you apply Scripture to your lives.

Meeting with a faith-based counselor can help you understand and work through how your faith plays a role in your marriage, and how the two of you can overcome obstacles to connection through spirituality. If one of you is not a believer, you can still benefit from Christian marriage counseling that respects both of you as individuals and wants to see you thrive as a married couple.

Financial issues in marriage

Money management is one of the most well-known causes of relationship stress. Debt, a bad economy, job loss, and other problems both inside and outside of your control can wreak havoc on your feeling of serenity, and your relationship.

God promises to provide, yet we know that we are also responsible for how we both earn and spend money. Money is also a practical yet emotionally loaded issue, so your relationship can benefit from a third party who can mediate your concerns and help you pursue a satisfactory relationship with money and each other.

Sexual intimacy concerns

Just like money, sex is a common source of problems in marriage. There are so many peripheral issues surrounding sexual intimacy, such as pornography use, past trauma, trust issues, unequal sex drives, sexual histories, expectations, and fears.

The safe and respectful setting of Christian marriage counseling is a place for you to allow healing in the areas of your marriage that need it, including sexually. God’s perfect design for sex in marriage is based on love, honor, and dignity for both spouses. Those are the priorities in Christian marriage counseling.

Parenting issues

Children change their parents’ marriage, for better and sometimes for worse. Parenting is one of the biggest responsibilities a person can have, and this will inevitably add strain to the marriage relationship. Ideally, that strain forces both people to grow, both on a personal level and closer to each other.

But sometimes, spouses start to grow apart when they are busy handling parenting and all the busyness and stress that entails. You may be on different pages about certain parenting decisions. If co-parenting and/or stepchildren are involved, this introduces more issues that can lead to marital problems.

If you are dealing with challenges involving parenting, Christian marriage counseling can help you prioritize and strengthen your marriage, which will benefit both you and your children.

A Path Forward

Christian marriage counseling can’t solve all your marital problems, and it’s not necessarily a quick fix solution. Instead, it’s a place for you to be heard, to connect to your spouse, and to grow closer to each other and to God’s purpose for your relationship.

The Christian counselors at Laguna Christian Counseling are here to serve you and help you strengthen your marriage. We believe in God’s plan for marriage and want to see you flourish and thrive. We offer both in-person and virtual sessions. Contact us today to schedule your risk-free initial session with a licensed marriage and family therapist.