Caregiving for a Loved One with Dementia

Aging takes a toll on all parts of one’s humanity. Joints lose their flexibility and bones begin to rub against bones. Skin becomes fragile, prone to damage at the slightest bump. Bowel function is erratic and weak. All these things are normal parts of the body’s decline at the end of life. Even those who take excellent care of their bodies may find themselves subject to the weaknesses that come with aging. And this brings us to dementia.

The saddest decline of all is when the mind loses its former sharpness. Memories that once burned clear become fuzzy and dark. Familiar faces can become strange and well-known places become a terrifying experience. Comprehension of the world is muddled, sometimes reduced to the same level as a toddler.

A toddler’s world is tiny, but that does not make him or her insignificant or foolish. It’s the same for a loved one with dementia. There are ways of interacting and communicating with those whose world is small and whose needs are many without being condescending or belittling.

The glory of young men is their strength, gray hair the splendor of the old. – Proverbs 20:29, NIV

If you are a caretaker of such a person, you need to treat them with dignity and respect. A person’s smallness, of mind or stature, is not indicative of his or her value as a human being created in the image of God.

Understanding how dementia affects life.

This is what the Lord Almighty says: “Once again men and women of ripe old age will sit in the streets of Jerusalem, each of them with cane in hand because of their age. – Zechariah 8:4, NIV

Dementia can happen slowly or rapidly. Regardless, continue to treat your loved one with respect. You must enter the world he or she inhabits, rather than asking them to join you in your world.

When you care for a loved one with dementia or Alzheimer’s it is much like caring for a small child. He or she will be short-tempered and frustrated by a lack of understanding. Early on he or she is aware that he or she is losing memories and cognitive ability. That awareness of the problem without any ability to solve the problem is disheartening. As time passes, he or she may lose this awareness, becoming less frustrated by the aid they are given.

As the body ages, it becomes tired more easily. A body with any form of disease or pain becomes exhausted. Protect the time needed to rest and allow a longer period to prepare and recover from excursions.

Many people with dementia are particular in their wants and wishes. Some are predictable, while others may be different from day to day. The thing that soothed them yesterday will not be what does the trick today.

I led them with cords of human kindness, with ties of love. To them, I was like one who lifts a little child to the cheek, and I bent down to feed them. – Hosea 11:4, NIV

It requires patience and compassion to watch someone who was once a vibrant and intelligent individual struggle to form a sentence or complete simple tasks. Yet within that body is still a human created in the image of God.

Ways to stay engaged.

He took a little child whom he placed among them. Taking the child in his arms, he said to them, “Whoever welcomes one of these little children in my name welcomes me; and whoever welcomes me does not welcome me but the one who sent me.” – Mark 9:36-37, NIV

Repetition and familiarity are crucial when caring for someone with dementia. Strive to create spaces that are welcoming and safe. Keep a consistent routine for mornings, meals, and bedtimes to minimize anxiety.

An early sign of dementia is the repetition of stories and statements. The short-term memory fails and so the fact that they have already shared their story is completely forgotten. It can be challenging to maintain interest in the same conversation repeatedly. You may need to walk away from the conversation and come back to it. Getting frustrated with him or her for repeating stories will only cause him or her to become frustrated with himself or herself.

Do things that have been enjoyable in the past together. Have a favorite ice cream or dessert. Visit familiar places with good memories. Watch beloved movies together.

Here’s a word about family movies/photos: they may prompt easy memories, or they can become frustrating when the memory is gone. Do not use family movies to prompt memory. Otherwise, it causes more pain.

Living a life of compassion.

At that time Jesus said, “I praise you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because you have hidden these things from the wise and learned, and revealed them to little children. – Matthew 11:25, NIV

When you care for someone with dementia, you are invited to be like Christ. Looking beyond the outward struggles and difficulties of the situation, seeing the person that God made and loves is the calling of caregiving. The work is demanding, exhausting, and frustrating. Yet it will have moments to enjoy and in which you can find delight.

Whether you do this as a job, caring for a loved one, or choosing to have others care for a loved one, know that there is still joy and hope to be found. The relationship will change with one who has dementia, but it still has many beautiful gifts and wisdom to offer.

Encouragement for those who have dementia.

Shout for joy, you heavens; rejoice, you earth; burst into song, you mountains! For the Lord comforts his people and will have compassion on his afflicted ones. – Isaiah 49:13, NIV

Whatever your mind forgets, you are not forgotten by God. The promises of comfort are as much for your mind as for your body.

Though it feels frightening to lose parts of yourself, God knows who you are before him. There will be days that you are aware of your failings, and there will be other days that you are content with your lack of awareness. This is normal and okay. There will be days that you remember your loved ones and days their faces will seem like strangers.

When you are given your diagnosis, it will be a good time for self-reflection and preparation, both for you and your loved ones. Focus on enjoying the time you can, but also spend time with estate planning and laying out your wishes.

Choose a medical power of attorney that will respect your wishes for end-of-life care. Don’t let your loved ones to guess what you want. The more concrete plans that you have in place now, the easier it will be for your loved ones down the road.

These types of conversations are undeniably painful to have. Some grief happens in the moment, and you are allowed to grieve. Your loved ones are also allowed to grieve. While it may manifest itself differently in yourself, your spouse, and your children, the grieving process is necessary for everyone to go through to provide the best possible care during this difficult time.

Talking to a counselor.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. – 2 Corinthians 1:3-4, NIV

If you or a loved one has received a diagnosis of dementia, there are many emotions to process. Talking to a counselor in Laguna, California gives you a safe space to process emotions, consider the challenges of caregiving, and make plans together. The counselors at Laguna Christian Counseling are trained to give you the emotional, mental, and spiritual support you need in this season. Call our office today to set up an appointment.