Characteristics of Codependency in Friendships

Do you know the difference between closeness and codependency in friendships?

Just like any close relationship, people can experience codependency in friendships too. In a close, healthy friendship, several key elements will not be present in one that experiences codependency.

What mitigates codependency in friendships?

Behaving independently from each other.

While you and your friend know the details of the other’s life and may well be affected by them, and your lives overlap quite significantly, you both maintain your identities, enjoying activities and relationships fairly independently of one another.

Sharing.

Sharing your hopes, dreams, fears, and worries with a close friend is quite normal. You will share a need to nurture each other and give and receive assistance as well as the need to know you matter to that person.

Trust.

It is important to be trustworthy to your friend, knowing they can rely on you in return to maintain and earn their trust is another characteristic of a healthy friendship, which those who experience codependency in friendships do not share.

Mutual trust, knowing that emotional support and information shared in the safe space your relationship creates will not be used against you, is also common in a close friendship. This allows a healthy level of self-disclosure where you do not feel ashamed or hesitant to share personal information about yourself.

Attachment.

Similar to knowing that you share a trust and concern for the other, you also share an emotional attachment to a close friend. This shared emotional attachment is shared equally for the duration of the relationship with no one person consistently benefiting while the other does not.

What characterizes codependency in friendships?

If a healthy relationship is like the playground seesaw, where friends share in the ups and downs, celebrating the heights and helping us out of the lows in the journey of life, then codependency in friendships is the opposite.

These relationships are not balanced as one person, known in psychology as the “taker”, victimizes the “giver”. The people in the relationship share a bond where one person too often needs to be rescued from their misfortune or poor decisions while the other always listens and rescues.

The friendship is characterized as more enmeshed than interdependent and has unclear personal boundaries. This makes it quite comfortable for the friend who takes, often in a loving and problem-solving manner, to abdicate any responsibility or feel responsibility to change themselves to be less the person that takes advantage of the other, to being an equal partner enabling mutual love and respect.

Over the short-term codependency in friendships can work quite well. The one who gives is often able to satisfy many of the needs of the taker, including affirming the confidence and conscience of the taker. And the taker’s need to feel cared for is also met. Intimacy and emotional bonding in codependent friendships may form while one is helping the other with personal issues.

However, like the seesaw analogy, the imbalance in the relationship leads to problems where the person who gives starts to realize they do not receive much in return. This leads them to ask if the other person cares for them as a person, or only about what they can benefit from the relationship. As this suspicion firms up into resentment and hurt they become frustrated.

The taker is often exceptionally selfish and often disregards the effort put in by the other. It is not unusual for the giver to suffer from compassion fatigue and become burnt out from trying to meet the heavy demands of the taker.

People who care for the giver may point out their unhealthy dependence on the other person and that they are sacrificing themselves and other relationships they used to value. If the giver becomes too intrusive or controlling in their efforts to help the taker is likely to feel disrespected or angry.

There are occasions when those who fill the taker role in relationships receive professional help, and make the life changes required to move from codependency in friendships to closeness in friendships. The giver too will need to learn how to enjoy a healthy relationship by setting boundaries in their relationship. Allowing their friend to listen and support them is also important.

If this effort is not made, then it is likely that either the taker or the giver will end the relationship as codependency in friendships was their motivation for establishing and maintaining it.

Finding help.

If you are looking for additional dealing with codependency in friendships, then why not browse our online counselor directory or contact our office at Laguna Christian Counseling in California to schedule an appointment? It would be an honor for us to walk with you on this journey.