The Why and How of Christian Premarital Counseling

Getting married to the love of your life is a blast. You’ve had the serendipitous first meeting, the quite possibly awkward first date; your relationship blossomed and in due course, your picture-perfect engagement has come. You’re now preparing to get married – it’s the start of the next exciting leg of your lifetime journey together. At this stage, people often recommend that a young couple go for premarital counseling. This is a good move. While Christian premarital counseling doesn’t seem like the most romantic thing you could be doing with your time, it’s a great step to take in securing your relationship for the long-haul.

Troubles will come your way, and there are likely some things you haven’t thought of that you need help to think through and prepare for. Doing Christian premarital counseling has the added benefit of centering God in your preparations for marriage, ensuring that your foundation is firmly planted in godly wisdom.

Here are a few reasons why doing Christian premarital counseling may be right for your marriage, and a few ways for you to receive it.

Why do Christian premarital counseling?

To understand God’s design for marriage

It shouldn’t be taken for granted that people know what this design is. When we understand that marriage is God’s idea (Genesis 2), and that it’s an echo of the relationship that Jesus Christ has with his bride, the Church, that’s a paradigm that ought to shape how a couple relates to one another (Ephesians 5:22-33). Marriage draws the couple into a bigger story than their own, and into a higher calling.

To know how best to love each other

This first point may seem unnecessary. Surely you already know how to love one another. Perhaps, but sometimes getting a refresher course doesn’t hurt. Gary Chapman’s book The Five Love Languages detail how different people receive and give love.

Giving gifts hits the spot for some people, while for others, spending and getting quality time with a loved one is what helps them show love and understand that they’re loved. The book also details other love languages, that as you through them, will help you understand better how to love your future spouse.

Additionally, one’s love language can change over time. Dynamics such as the children being born or simply getting older can shift priorities and alter the ways you best feel loved. When you know and are prepared for these dynamics, that positions you well to keep loving your spouse throughout the years.

To become aware of your conflict styles

You may or may not have argued with your beloved at this point in your relationship. People who have different personalities and abilities, have been raised in different homes, and quite possibly even articulate and live out the same values in differently, are bound to have friction at some point.

Circumstances arise in which you have a strong difference in opinion; misunderstandings arise, and feelings are hurt; disappointments are felt, and egos are bruised. When these events occur and friction happens, you won’t necessarily deal with it in the same way.

Some people don’t want conflict because they don’t know how to disagree with the people they love and keep the relationship. This is a conflict-avoidant type of approach. Others wade right in like a whirlwind, and they don’t know how to tread softly. Other people retreat into their own space when they feel angry until they figure themselves out, but their partner might want to talk things out then and there.

These distinctive styles of dealing with conflict can lead to added conflict if you’re not aware that you deal with it differently and give one another allowances. Premarital counseling will help you to become more aware of your own conflict style, and how it interacts with other styles.

To acquire conflict resolution skills

In addition to becoming aware of your conflict style, premarital counseling also helps you to gain skills to navigate those conflicts and resolve them well. This kind of counseling teaches skills such as active listening, avoiding speaking when angry, learning to use “I feel” type statements, and avoiding phrases like “Always” or “You never” and many others to aid in effective communication.

Additionally, reminders to avoid character assassination, to focus on the issue and becoming creative in generating solutions, and coping skills are an example of what you could glean from effective premarital counseling.

To be aware of expectations.

Premarital counseling also helps you to discover unspoken, undefined, or unexpressed expectations, helping you to be clear about them so that you’re both on the same page. By talking through conflict mired in assumptions, you can head off potential conflict.

Marital conflict often arises over issues involving money, sex, how you’ll deal and interact with family and in-laws, the division of labor in the household, and so on. Where will your income come from, who will be the breadwinner, how will you spend, save, give, or invest the family income? Who will balance the checkbook?

Regarding sex, how often and how creative will the sex be? Who will do certain chores around the house, and what will be outsourced to others? Do you both want to have children, and if so, how many, and when? What style of parenting are you attracted to?

How will you spend your free time and what will you do for the holidays? Will you volunteer, and where? Can your in-laws drop in without calling ahead? Which church will you attend once you get married, and how involved will you be in that community?

Each of us has expectations (many of these unstated) in these and many other areas, but when someone asks the question, we’ll realize that we held a view that might differ from that of our future spouse. Many of our expectations are shaped by our upbringing, so they seem natural to us, but you must be clear about what you expect from your partner before you get married to avoid unpleasant surprises, disappointment, and conflict down the line when it turns out you weren’t on the same page.

To set goals.

Another benefit of doing premarital counseling is an intentionality about goal setting for your relationship. These goals can shape your future together as a couple, as is the case with expectations, having a conversation and starting to set goals goes a long way. Goals may be short-term or long-term, and they can be about anything such as where you will live or work after you’ve gotten married, and how you’ll plan for your continued spiritual growth.

You may also set goals to create space for personal development such as taking time off work for a few years to study or get vocational training to advance your careers. Setting goals plots the course for your relationship and helps you begin to partner together in your mutual growth. You can also talk about when you want to start having children (if you want to have them), what neighborhood you’d want to raise them in, and so on.

There are many good reasons to go to premarital counseling. Having certain conversations ahead of time helps a couple to become more aware of one another and learn how best to love each other.

If you are convinced of the benefits of Christian premarital counseling, how would you go about receiving it? Various platforms offer premarital counseling, such as online or in person.

Sometimes you might find a counselor that you want to work with, but the commute is impossible due to work or the distances involved. Going online gives you the flexibility of doing your sessions from home, or even remotely and separately when one of you is out of town.

Christian premarital counseling can also happen in a group. Four or five couples who are also on the journey toward marriage are led by a trained and licensed marriage and family therapist in sessions where they discuss some of the topics outlined above. This is a wonderful way to share wisdom with others, encourage one another, and hold each other accountable.

Sometimes, if the chemistry works out, lasting friendships are born of these group sessions, which is a bonus. If you’re getting married and you haven’t done premarital counseling, consider taking that journey with your future spouse to give your marriage a great start.