How to Deal with a Messy Home as a Married Couple

There are  no ways about it: married life can be really hard!

You move in with someone who has a different routine, a different level of cleanliness, and varied expectations on housework. Maybe the other person has never lived alone. Maybe they have lived alone for too long. Maybe they were not made to do any housework growing up. Maybe they don’t think they should do any housework.

Beyond the normal growing pains of life together, being in a home with someone whose expectations vary wildly from yours can lead even the most compatible couples into some marriage problems.

TV and movies do not help. Many still show the house as the woman’s world or reduce household tension to things like not putting the toothpaste cap on or leaving socks out. They rarely show men willingly doing things like cooking or caring for the kids (or doing them successfully without the wife’s intervention). And they definitely do not show how to effectively communicate frustrations and expectations with your partner.

In the wake of the pandemic, many couples found themselves trapped in the house with their spouse. For many, it was the most time they had ever spent with their significant other. Tiny habits became irritations which became mountains of frustration and resentment.

Too often we let the little things build. Are we going to complain every time our wife sits on the couch while we put the dishes away? And yet, these unspoken expectations can become festering wounds that lead to other marriage problems.

Living with Varied Expectations

A friend once said she was going to give her husband a lesson on how to load the dishwasher more effectively.

What was your reaction to that statement? Did you laugh? Cringe? Get defensive?

How would you react if your spouse did that? How would you address differing expectations in dish placement?

These conversations can be awkward and hard. They are little frustrations, right? We can feel like we are back in college, calling a dorm meeting to figure out how to live together. But often, these tiny things make or break our day.

We think it should be obvious how the dishes or laundry get done, by whom, and how frequently. We shouldn’t have to talk about it, things will just work themselves out. Yet these small things can become fixations for other issues in our marriage.

We resent our spouse for not helping pick up after the kids. We are hurt. So, we don’t tell them about something else that happened. Or we make comments under our breath and let the anger grow. They reach out but we snap back. They pull away. We feel even more isolated from them. Divides start building. They don’t know what is wrong and we don’t know what to say. It may seem like something minor but it is an unmet need or expectation we let go unaddressed.

Married life can be hard at every stage. The newlywed bliss and settling in together. The comfortable middle range where routines are set. The stressful reality of kids, two jobs, and life, leads to us just surviving our days. The resettling empty-nesters who have to re-figure out what things look like. At any stage, living with your partner can be a stressor and it often manifests in the little things.

How to Address Differences

How do you talk to your partner about the differences in expectations?

Set aside a time when you won’t be interrupted and you both are not stressed

This is a discussion best done with some forewarning. No one likes to be ambushed with issues or what they are not doing right. Schedule a time to meet and let your partner know you would like to talk about household chores or responsibilities.

Stick to “I statements.”

Any discussion goes better when we stay with, “I” statements. It roots the discussion in what we have control over – ourselves. It keeps the other person from feeling defensive and as if we are attacking them.

For example: “I feel overwhelmed managing the laundry for five people with everything else going on. What I need is for us to figure out a schedule for getting the laundry and other household things done.”

Or: “I feel overlooked when I am cleaning the kitchen and you go to watch TV because there are other things that need to get done. I would like for you to help close down the kitchen before you go do something else for the night.”

Address what is happening and how it makes you feel. Stick to the facts, not accusations or assumptions

For example: “I feel frustrated when I have to clean the whole house by myself because it feels like I am being asked to do things alone. I would like for us to divide up the housework differently or come up with another solution.”

Come at things with a proposed solution. You are not dictating a decision. Rather, you asking for input. People often respond better to a proposed idea versus starting with a black page.

Be specific

This is not the chance to be accusatory or list the disparity in how things work in the house. This is a chance for both parties to be heard and for both sides to come up with solutions. Ask for specifics.

Consider:

• I would like to divide up the housework differently.
• I would like for you to cook dinner a few nights a week.
• What I need is for you to ask if I need help before going to watch TV.
• I would like to be able to help the kids with their homework, so can you clean the kitchen twice a week?

Listen

Chances are there are some things you are doing (or not doing) that bother your spouse. This has to be a safe place for both of you or nothing will change. As hard as it is, don’t get defensive or justify your behavior. Similarly, don’t accuse your spouse.

This is not a battleground. This is both of you communicating what you need from the other. Love presumes the best, so in this case, come at things from the standpoint that your partner loves you, is willing to help, and just needs to be made aware of some things.

Come Up with Action Items

What will change going forward? How will things be redistributed? State it clearly, and agree to it. Make a schedule if you need it. Get the kids involved more. But do not leave the table until both sides understand and agree on what will change.

If Your Partner Won’t Talk

Some of us are in inequitable marriages. Our spouses might truly see housework as the woman’s domain or think that, for whatever reason, it is on their partner to do everything. Some do not care to hear their partner’s feelings and simply refuse to help.

The idea of bringing up household responsibilities might be more than you feel comfortable or safe doing. The ability to vocalize needs and frustrations is based on a foundation of trust and communication. It is a two-way street. Sometimes, one side is permanently blocked off with no reason given. The attempt to address something as small as doing the dishes might lead to a fight. It might not be safe to address these concerns with your spouse one on one.

Marriage is, in many ways, gaining a roommate for life. Life happens, things pile up, and habits become ingrained. We pick our battles and sometimes laundry is simply not worth it. But at its core, asking for what we need is a key pillar of a good marriage.

It might feel like it is just cleaning the bathrooms, being able to grocery shop alone, or not having to pick up after everyone else. In reality, marriage is made or lost in the small things. How can we address the bigger marriage problems we need if we cannot even ask for help with the daily tasks of keeping our home going?

Counseling is a safe way to bring those issues to light. We are here to help. Please call us today if the list above feels impossible or sends you into a panic. The counselors at our office are here to help you vocalize your needs in a safe place.